This is the newest article for my "Yes, Master" column that appears every other Wednesday (tomarrow) on The New Gay website.Visit The New Gay to read some of my other entries (simply enter "Master Aiden or "Yes Master" into the search feature) as well as additional insightful columnists and writings focused LGBT-related interests.http://thenewgay.net/
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Anyone who’s ever gone on a vacation, been in a relationship, embarked on any sort of extensive project, or participated in BDSM knows that sometimes there are wide areas of disconnect between fantasies and how those fantasies translate into reality. Life is beautiful to us sometimes in the sense that every once in a while the realistic outcome of a scenario that originated as a fantasy will come out just as good, or maybe even better, than you imagined. It happens and it’s life-affirming. But usually it’s the opposite–not necessarily drastic disappointments but more like subtle, irritating frustrations. So close but not quite there.
I found that some of the lessons that I’ve learned when conducting BDSM scenes can be applied, of course, to other people’s bondage adventures but also to other facets of life overall. So here me out. Bridging the gaps between reality and fantasy can be done by applying certain initiatives towards S&M play or, for that matter, doing home construction. Or maintaining a romantic relationship or creating a weekly schedule. You get the idea. If you’ve rationally imagined something to turn out a certain way, then it’s possible to bring it to fruition. As long as it doesn’t involve unicorns or complete personal access to billions of dollars, you may be closer to making it happen than you think. It pretty much boils down to preplanning, effort, and the ability to adjust.
First off, identify your fantasy and communicate it with your partner. If they’re not willing and/or they think it’s weird, gross, etc., then you need to find another partner with which to engage in that specific scenario. Don’t make people do stuff that they don’t want to do or that they lean away from. It may permanently change how they view you. Everyone has stupid fantasies, sexy fantasies that are basically attractive to everyone else, and also really weird, random fantasies that are highly unique (or so you thought…..) to you as an individual. It’s important to identify which fantasies you should try engaging in with your particular partner in and which ones they are better left out of. There’s a difference. I’m just being realistic for you.
Once you’ve identified which fantasy you’ll be diving into, think ahead before engaging in your scene. Have all the tools, accessories, and gear within close range. Do you need lube? An electric extention cord? Paper towels? How about hydrogen peroxide? Okay great! Just be certain that you actually have all that shit in your house before you’re doing your scene and realize that you need those. Plot out and imagine everything in your head before you get started, making sure that you’re fully prepared. If not, you’re going to end up looking like a moron.
Effort. You get out of it what you put into it (or them or you). Don’t be lazy and wait for magical thinking to gallop in, take over the scene, and save the day. If you’ve planned on tying up your partner and sucking his dick, then you’d better damn well suck his dick beautifully (lips, no teeth, pressure, time, pace, etc.) or he will be terribly disappointed. If your jaw is getting tired after only two minutes, it’s because you’re either being a wimp or you’re not used to sucking dick. Buckle down and do it well or don’t do it at all. Sometimes you find yourself in a situation that you you’re not in the mood for or “don’t feel like it right now” but if you’ve partially initiated it, then you need to be a big boy or girl and finish the job off for the sake of your partner. Don’t be lame, don’t be a let-down. If you’re not going to do a good job at washing your car, then you shouldn’t be doing it that day. Same difference. Half-assed jobs make everyone look stupid. This applies to sex, BDSM, and 99% of everything else in life. Plus, everyone can tell the difference whether or not they admit it.
Does your fantasy need a slight tweaking in order for it to more realistically manifest? Then you need to change it for the better. People are amusing in the sense that they tend to view traditional fantasies or their own personal fantasies as being precious doctrine that should never be adjusted. Nonsense! Sometimes altering fantasies to better suit the needs of the scene or your partner actually end up improving or enrichening them so don’t be afraid to experiment. Simply go with the flow and allow action to change it’s course when nature calls for it. It’s entirely possible that you may end up surprising yourself in the sense that a new, improved fantasy may be added into your “personal library”. Your fantasies are not sacred; they are flowing, malleable. Don’t be so structured (mentally, physically) that you end up breaking them before they even materialize. Let them be permeable, let them breathe a bit. If you and/or your partner add in or take away a few ingredients of the recipe, then allow it to happen. Life is a collaboration, always.
Preplanning your actions in detail, based on your fantasies, brings them as close as possible to the original text so be sure to think ahead. Rationalize what it takes in order for that kink to be easy and natural when it comes into play. Pay tribute to that fantasy by putting in the energy and effort that is needed for it to be pleasing/worth it both for you and your partner. If you need to push yourself and “try” more, then do so. Don’t be victim to fantasies that are so suffocatingly structured that they could never truly exist outside your imagination. Create space for adjustment, improvement, surprise, and addition. Fantasies are very rarely diminished but what makes them so great is that they can be expanded, improved upon, grown wider, and multiplied with greater variety.
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