Yes, Master (entry 25): Assume Nothing

This is the newest article for my "Yes, Master" column that appears every other Wednesday on The New Gay website. Visit The New Gay to read some of my other entries (simply enter "Master Aiden or "Yes Master" into the search feature) as well as additional insightful columnists and writings focused LGBT-related interests.

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"Sometimes the more experience, the less you know."

But not quite in this case.

It's more like "The more experience, the less you go about assuming things."

That's my take when it comes to working with new BDSM slaves. One of the biggest misconceptions about S&M is that there is anything along the lines of a one-size-fits-all experience.

Every submissive likes to be paddled, right? And they all like to be tied up?

All the slaves want to be sworn at, swatted at, mistreated?

All of them want to kiss your boots and call you "Master"?

No. Not quite. Not at all.

BDSM is complex and nuanced but not only in general--it's also completely unique, complex, nuanced, and complicated on every case-by-case basis. No two slaves are the same.

When I first started out, I wasn't completely naive enough to think that everyone wanted the same thing but I had no idea that, for some submissives, even the supposedly standard Master and slave relationship is not a given. Everyone enjoys a different set of experiences and tonalities. And, because they're in a variety of vulnerable positions, the slaves are especially sensitive and every good Master and Mistress has to be tuned in to their needs and undeniable individualities.

Not everybody wants to be whipped and some people, actually, really hate nipple clamps. Just because they're a "slave" doesn't mean that they enjoy being tied up and set hanging from the rafters. As a matter of fact, it may be a huge turnoff for them.

There is clearly room to push boundries, to create completely fresh experiences, and to introduce surprizes in BDSM dynamics. However.....it's always important for everyone to have fun and to address why it is that they're creating the scene to begin with.

Always talk to your play partners, in depth, before you begin your sessions. Never assume that what you've seen in cartoons, illustrations, erotic works, and films will be what your partner is truly after. Like so many things in life, BDSM is never that simple.